It is not your birthday

She says it’s her birthday.
She decides she will
change her birth date from
the third to the first.
She claps her hands and
so it is done.
She looks for presents
and doesn’t see one.

She asks me why I don’t care.
‘Nobody has wished me happy birthday.
It’s not fair’.
But I don’t wish her happy birthday
because she has chosen the wrong day.
I have to hold on to the facts for her
so she can return to reality one day.

Warm Night

12.19am 23 January, 2017

It is a warm night.
I have been asleep but
it is the sort of sleep that
gives no rest.
I have tossed and turned
enough to free myself
from my dream.

My first thought as always is
‘where is Jen?’
Someone answers.
They tell me
‘Jennifer has schizophrenia..
She is in the mental ward of
the Dandenong Hospital’.

I am saying these words.
If I don’t move,
if I don’t make a noise
I think I will be ok.
It is like being near the
centre of an earthquake.
If I don’t move, I won’t get hurt.

I reach out for a sip of water
and turn the pillow to find a cool spot.

It is a warm night.

My Jen

I am Jennifer’s mother
although she doesn’t see me as such.
She calls me Wendy or Rigby
and she is the boss.
The boss of the park where we work.
I just want her to call me Mum.
I don’t think that is asking too much.

Shizophrenia is something I am
just learning about.
It is voices imagined in the head
which cause such a distraction that
the person who has it is lost.
They can’t communicate anymore.
They have an invisible injury barrier so
it looks like they are ok.
But they are not.

I just want my Jen back.

Lost

It is all too hard.
I can’t help Jen.
It feels like she is lost in a crowd
with many people between her and me.
She is trying to find me but I am so far away
and there are so many voices she can’t.
I am not able to help her and that really hurts.
I have to stand in one place and hope
she will find me one day.

I hope it is not going to take too long.
I love her but I can’t do anything.
I can only hope. And wait.

Aways loving her.