My Jen

I am Jennifer’s mother
although she doesn’t see me as such.
She calls me Wendy or Rigby
and she is the boss.
The boss of the park where we work.
I just want her to call me Mum.
I don’t think that is asking too much.

Shizophrenia is something I am
just learning about.
It is voices imagined in the head
which cause such a distraction that
the person who has it is lost.
They can’t communicate anymore.
They have an invisible injury barrier so
it looks like they are ok.
But they are not.

I just want my Jen back.

Lost

It is all too hard.
I can’t help Jen.
It feels like she is lost in a crowd
with many people between her and me.
She is trying to find me but I am so far away
and there are so many voices she can’t.
I am not able to help her and that really hurts.
I have to stand in one place and hope
she will find me one day.

I hope it is not going to take too long.
I love her but I can’t do anything.
I can only hope. And wait.

Aways loving her.

Home is Where the Heart Is

I enter the Psych Ward.
But unfortunately it is not as easy as that.
There are 3 layers of door between the
ward and the outside world where people don’t fit anymore.
These people are pieces of puzzle that don’t go anywhere
so they are set aside.

Each layer of door I press a button and wait.
As I go through each door I hope she will be good.
I don’t know what I am walking into but
right at the core of this place is home.

I give my bags to the nurses to check for drugs
or something possibly harmful to the patients.
Jen raises her hand and waves and smiles.

I am home.

She Feels Bad

i say something.
She does not agree.
She slowly comes over
and slaps me.
It is like there is no middle place.
There is no room for discussion.
A no is a slap on my face.

I hear her and remember
to gently move ahead.
She feels bad and rocks
herself on the bed.

I love her and feel so sad
because she is fighting herself.
She hit me and she feels bad.

It is Not Your Birthday

She says it’s her birthday
She decides she will
change it from
the third to the first.
She claps her hands and
so it is done.

She looks for presents
and doesn’t see one.
She asks me why I don’t care.
‘Nobody has wished me happy birthday.
It’s not fair.

But I don’t wish her happy birthday
because she has chosen the wrong day.
I have to hold on to the facts for her
so she can return to reality one day.

Don’t Take Anything for Granted

In the midst of happiness
there is fear.
Fear exists as
I fear losing
what is making me
happy.

It is so easy to enjoy
the happy times.
If that happy time
lasts for a while,
it is so easy to take it
for granted and think
that it is going to last.

After that happy time
has gone and all is silent
it is so easy to lose hope.
Get up, maybe with help
from a friend or loved one,
I will hope for a better tomorrow
I will strive towards that goal.

The hard times give me the
strength to keep on going.
The good times are the times
to delight and rest
but i will never take that time
for granted.